MORE FUNNY SHIT I NEED TO WRITE DOWN

A thousand years ago, I had a roommate named Tiffany, she lived off of going through people's trash and selling expensive upholstery she found in it. We had tons of giant scissors, no pens or pencils, only crayons so whenever I had to write a note I had to use fucking crayons, it was kinda nuts but Tiffany was awesome and fucking funny. One morning I was late for work and I went to the foyer and there was a brand new banana seat bike, the chrome on it was so bright it hurt my eyes, there were rainbow colored tassels on the handle bars. Because I was late for work I decided to ride it there. I was going up a hill. There was a basketball court on my left and there were kids playing basketball in it. I had these black horn rimmed glasses on. One of the kids had a heavy Boston accent and said 'Hey Elvis, you stole my sistah's bike.'

When I was turning 34, I needed to break up with my girlfriend; I freaked out and got on the BART and went to Hayward and got a hotel room. I had been sober for 5 years and had no intention of drinking but I needed a strip joint and because I'd never been to Hayward I figured they'd have one in the center of town. So I left my hotel room to find the center of town. The hotel was on a freeway, I pointed left and right and said which is the correct direction in my head, I chose to go to the right. It was still light out. An hour later it was dark and I was still walking on the freeway. I remember thinking, holy shit this is taking forever but the center of town has to come up at some point. On my left I saw a purple neon sign way deep in a parking lot it said Curves and I thought, hell yeah, you knew there'd be a strip joint somewhere. The sign said Curves in purple neon, it's gotta be a strip joint. I went to the parking lot, the shit was a fucking mile away it took forever to get close. Then I was finally there and I realized it was not a strip joint at all, it was a fucking weight loss clinic it was totally closed.

FUNNY SHIT I NEED TO WRITE DOWN

Gentle Reader,
Because no one can understand me anymore, I'm writing down particularly funny stories, hopefully you'll get some laughs. When I was in highschool there was a hurricane (Gloria). My friend Rick worked at Burger King getting the hurricane nobody came in so they were all sitting around looking out the widow. That Burger King had one of those signs with letters that you can arrange a message, it said 'Closers Wanted.' The wind blew off the letter 'C' and it said 'Losers Wanted' my friend Rick goes, 'Who are we kidding?'

The first time I saw Pavement, it was at the Middle East. There was a homeless guy asking us for money while we were waiting for the show. We were outside. Then we went in, and Pavement started playing. The homeless guy was asking for a beer. The singer Steve Malkmus comes off the stage, taps the homeless guy on the shoulder, and says "We need you now." Then the homeless guy gets behind the drums and was now the drummer. It was unbelievable - he was an annoying homeless guy, and then he was the drummer. I  had never heard the song Summer Babe, they played it. I bought the 7"of it from the singer. They had never toured the East Coast ever before that.

There'll be more of these as I remember shit I want to write down.