THIS AIN'T FUNNY BUT IT'S WICKED COOL/HIGH SCHOOL

When I was a teenager in the 80's, I saw the Butthole Surfers live. I have been trying to figure out what album they were on tour for. It was definitely after Locust Abortion Technician and before piouhgd, like 1988 or something. They were setting up and tuning their instruments and getting ready to play. There were 2 movies being shown on screens above the band: one was a kung fu movie and the other was the footage of a vasectomy procedure. They were tuning up as the character in the kung fu movie was talking to a guy. I could not look at the vasectomy, it was fucking gross. When the guy in the kung fu movie kicked the other guy, the band kicked in in perfect time with the movie. It was fucking cool. For the finale, Gibby Haynes lit the whole fucking stage on fire. He poured rubbing alcohol everywhere, not just on the drums or around him, but everywhere. He lit a match and it all went up the show was over when the fire went out.

I should write this down: when I was in high school, we were in history class and our teacher Mr. Reidy could not pronounce his R's and L's. We called him Wabbit Weidy. I'm not kidding, this really happened: he asked the kid behind me--Will McNary-- "Wiw, whewe did the Wenaissance begin?" and Will said, "...Itawy?"  The entire class made that snorting noise you make when you're holding in a laugh. Mr Reidy threw Will out of class immediately.

GUITAR TEACHER: RON TYLER

When I was 13 my friend  Milan came over with an awful metal guitar his father had bought him. It was either a BC Rich Bitch or a BC Rich Black Widow. I forget which. I just know it was ugly as hell. It totally would have fit in this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGf5NxLQoEo

Milan played Jimmi Hendrix's "Purple Haze" wicked loud, and my father did not yell at us. For whatever reason he didn't. I remember thinking "Holy shit, we're making so much noise and nobody is yelling at us." Also, I saw a video for Eric Clapton's "She's Waiting" and thought "I want to look as cool as that guy." Thinking back on it now, it's some awful 80's shit, but back then I loved it. So I told my mother I wanted to play guitar. She literally took me to get one that day. We signed up for guitar classes because I didn't know anything. I took lessons for 2 years. my teacher was this guy named Ron Tyler. 

Because I was a weird religious kid I refused to learn any Led Zeppelin. I thought they were satanic. He taught me every single one of their riffs but told me it was The Beatles, which I knew but played along because those riffs were fucking fun. I'm not kidding, "Livin Lovin Maid," "Heartbreaker," "Whole Lotta Love," "The Ocean." But "Black Dog" was too hard. 

At one point he asked me to bring in a tape of a song so he could figure it out. For the next two years I brought tapes of songs I liked and learned how to play them. I never learned how to read music I just learned riffs. I had fucking weird taste. I remember him getting mad because I brought in a Brian Eno song to learn and the solo only had one note, over and over. He was offended. 

I took lessons for 2 years. At my last session, Ron my teacher said "You've been here for two years. When you came in you SUCKED. And now you STILL suck. But at least you stuck with it."

FUCKING AWESOME DREAM/ANOTHER BULLSHIT NIGHT IN SUCK CITY

At one point I figured out how to lucid dream, it's not like I could do it all the time and say, I will now fuck Jennifer Lawerence but I could figure out I was dreaming. One time I was entering a house, it was a Brownstone like New York City, and I realized I was dreaming. There were people walking on the sidewalks, I realized I was dreaming, so I said to them, What are you doing? Who are you? The next thing I was standing at the top of the Brownstone stairs and all the people walking on the sidewalks before were now at the bottom of the stairwell, looking at me and smiling, I said again, What's up? One of them said We're really glad you see us, we have been here forever. Then the dream ends, kinda awesome dream.

Some Boston stuff:

A thousand years ago, I was visiting the Boston area, I was walking on Brookline Ave and there were three teenage girls walking towards me, I got nervous as they passed me, one of them says, "Nice eyebrows, buddy." I remember thinking, I have had self conscious weird feelings about everything on my body, but I was never insecure about my eyebrows before. I remember thinking, "Fucking Boston"

I was in a Stoah 2 fouah in the North End, I was wearing a Newport shirt. Awesome shirt. I said to the lady that works there, "Can I have a pack of Marlboro Reds?" She says, "If you're wearing a Newport shirt, why are you buying Marlboros?" I was thinking "Who are you, my father?"