DAVE MATHEWS BAND (LITERAL) SHIT

 People have heard that Dave Mathews Band was driving around Chicago in their RV/tour bus. They were on a bridge to dump out the shit from the septic system. They did that but did not realize that they were dumping shit onto a yacht of people. 

People don't know this story: I had friends that took a taxi in SF. The cab driver said "Dave Mathews was just in here, he was my last customer." They were duly impressed. When they were sitting in back one of them came upon a giant bag of cocaine. It was a pound of coke and really good shit of course. They did it all night and one of them took it home.

This guy was named Don Steele like the airport author named Danielle Steele. Apparently he did the whole bag of coke his friends went to check on him he had lost weight. He had been doing it everyday and then he suddenly died. I saw them not long after this and they told me the whole story. As much as I loved him, that is a pretty great way to die. Dave Mathews Band had a bunch of live albums, at one point at work I had to cover them all. There were like 40, it was annoying. Most of them had been recorded in baseball parks, a big part of the reviews I wrote give a story of the ballpark they were recorded in. The first song was always "Rapunzel." 

3 FUCKING JOBS/NORMAN SHORETTE

 At one point in my 20s I had 3 jobs. There was one day a week when I worked 24 hours and I had Tuesdays entirely off. From 7am til the next day. I used to go to my job cooking at 3:30, at 10:30 I would RUN home and take a shower then I would run to the T to my job at 11pm. I did the night audit at a Best Western from 11-7am. Then I would go to another restaurant where I waited tables until 2pm and then I would go cook. I had fucking tons of money. I actually was able to sleep for 20 minutes here and there.

At the hotel job I got sick of the movies in their library. I read Moby Dick to kill time. All night long the night audit program kept running and literally stop running at like 6am. I had to set up wake up calls. It was a pretty easy job. I fucking read Moby Dick. Most of my job was giving prostitutes who called directions on how to get here. 

In 6th, 7th, and 8th grades I went to this Catholic elementary school called St Bridget's. I walked home with this guy who was so short he looked like a dwarf. No lie. He also had the most incredible foul mouth. I'm not kidding, literally every other word was the F word. At one point he said, "That guy's ass sucks canal water." This makes no sense but he said it. He also said, "Fuck face." The first time I ever heard it I was like, "What the hell? This guy is making swears up."