Things NOT to do in Thailand

I live in Bangkok, the emerald isle of the Far East, land of a gajillion smiles. The actual full Thai name of Bangkok is Krung Thep Maha Nakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Ayutthaya Mahadilok Phop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udom Ratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Phiman Awatan Sathit Sakkathattiya Witsanu Kamprasit which translates as "The city of angels, the great city, the eternal jewel city, the impregnable city of God Indra, the grand capital of the world endowed with nine precious gems, the happy city, abounding in an enormous Royal Palace that resembles the heavenly abode where reigns the reincarnated god, a city given by Indra and built by Vishnukam." More commonly it is called Bangkok, which translated means "The Big Smelly."

A lot of people ask me what it's like to live in such a faraway, exotic place and I'll tell you, it's a real trip! It's totally different. First of all, everyone is Chinese. But they don't ride bikes like in all those pictures you see. They just walk everywhere, or take taxis or the subway. Secondly, it's impolite to blow your nose in public. But picking your nose? Fair game! Pick away! How's that for a paradigm? There's a million of these, and at first I had some difficulties adjusting to life here.

Apparently they're not as into doing your laundry as you might think, given the historical accounts of Chinese people and their behavior. I asked this one lady to do my laundry and she acted like she had no idea what I meant until I put the bag in her hands and said "washy washy" like 50 times. She didn't even do a very good job and on top of that they got mixed in with some angry punker's clothes or something because somehow the words "GO HOME FUCK YOU" bled onto all my shirts.

Halloween. What a disaster. It was like NOBODY had any idea what Halloween even is. Every house I went to reacted like I really was a rapist (I was wearing pantyhose over my head and carrying a bat). No candy. Lots of screaming and door slamming. One person gave me some dried fish that smelled like cat period. That sucked.

Thankfully I have slowly but surely started to adjust to the way of life here. It's a process. I no longer slap Thai people across the face when they address me without being spoken to first. Or don't smile. It just became too much of a chore, also my hand started hurting a lot. I have finally stopped falling for the old come-to-this-motel-room-with -me-and-my-scowling-brother -and-take-these-pills-for-fun -then-wake-up-five-hours-later -in-a-bathtub-full-of-ice -missing-some-organs routine. Mostly. And I can finally pronounce the word for "banana" correctly -- say it wrong and you are asking to see someone's cock so you wanna be real careful there, especially around monks. I used to get chased with a lot of machetes.