Throw a Kit

I visited the states and while I was there I bought gifts for a bunch of people here, some people that I like and some that make me feel paranoid -- I like my landlady, the security guard in my building is a major question mark, the gang of perpetually buzzed motorcycle taxi dudes at the end of my street who scream at me every time I walk by make me REALLY paranoid, and I bought stuff for various bar girls who asked me to bring them gifts, or just because I like them.

I did this to grease the wheels maybe, or assuage guilt, or to show I am not a "cheap charlie," who knows -- I definitely wanted to quell the almost constant paranoia I feel for being able to do whatever I want here, at all times. I really wanted to come back with gifts for everyone, and did somehow. But almost all of them went over really bad. I think they were too cheap or something. Also I inadvertently insulted the motorcycle taxi dudes.

I bought them a six pack of Bud tall boys. There is no Budweiser here to speak of, it's an import and expensive so you never see it. I brought the six pack out to them in a brown paper bag I had taken on the plane with me, for maximum effect when I presented it. Budweiser is the king of beers after all. The idea was for it to be like the beer came directly from a liquor store stateside. It was early evening and they were sitting in their customary row across the street from the 7-Eleven, on some steps. Standing before them I said "I brought you beer from America!" then I pulled out the six pack, like you would do in the states, letting the bag fall to the ground and pulling cans off the plastic thing and tossing one to each guy, the way you would do at a cookout after procuring the next case of beers. The first guy missed his, then the rest were terrified except one dude who looked like he wanted to put his machete through my face. I also gave some Latino "Homies" (I couldn't find any gangbanger ones) to the children running around, which had seemed like a good idea when I bought them, but then handing them out they were so small it felt like I was handing the kids lint from my pocket. Then with the dude glaring at me, this one woman driver who I never can tell if she hates me or not, asked me for a second beer after I had just handed her the last one. This really unnerved me so I put my beer down on the ground, said "this is for the guy not here" (one usual guy was not there) and saluted them and pretty much ran in the opposite direction. The whole thing took about a minute and a half to unfold. I don't know why it all went so wrong. I can't decide if it was the throwing beers at them, which is very likely seen as an aggressive act here, or not sitting down and drinking one with them. Or just leaving the brown paper bag on the ground (litter, tree-waste). It definitely wasn't my clothes. I was wearing my best white linen suit and cleanest pith helmet.

I gave this girl Thip a little tiny stuffed rooster I figured was cute and funny and she reacted like I had thrown a black cat covered in chicken blood at her. She kept saying, "I am not a chicken." Then she just split. It was awful. I later learned there is a very ugly term for bar girls in Thailand -- "chicken." Basically I gave this girl a worthless gift that said "you are a whore."

I gave this other girl, Nok, a white hat I had bought her my first week in the US because this was a big one I needed to get as she had specifically requested a white baseball cap. So I bought it right away thinking I'd already have it when I ran out of money. I'm no good with things that are white and it didn't stay so clean. By the time I gave it to her it had like entire fucking fingerprints on it, like a crime scene. She asked me what happened and I said "well I had to wear it on the plane" and she eyed my dirty hair for a split second.

Even my landlady said "what? chocolate covered macadamia nuts? Eh...maybe my son will like them." And I think the security guard is Muslim. He reacted to the Miller High Life 22 Oz. can I gave him with a sort of polite confusion. I later realized I've never even seen him smoke.

photo by na' chim