FUNNY THAILAND SHIT

In Thailand there was a stretch of the street I lived off that was basically a mall for tourists on the sidewalk. Entire tables of Jade elephants and brass knuckles, shit like that. I realized everyone working the tables was deaf-mute. Pretty sure they were wicked cheap labor, the Mob that ran everything probably didn't even pay them. The tourists were constantly haggling like a dollar off shit that was already two dollars and so the workers all had calculators and when a customer asked the price they would show them the calculator. The customer would take it and put in the price they wanted and would hand it back. Then the worker would put in another price and give it to the tourist, blah blah blah this went on. You get the idea. I started going to the deaf workers and asking for the price of something, they would show me the calculator and it would say 600 on it, for Baht. I would take the calculator and type in 599 and hand it back. They loved this they all thought it was funny, so did I. Thai people don't understand sarcasm but they totally got that joke about farang. The word for "mango" was "farang" also, so whenever they saw a tourist eating a mango they laughed really, really, really hard. They also loved any time a big, fat person had a little suitcase. They loved this shit and would yell, "Big man, little bag!" 

I was out one night with a girl. I was really into learning Thai. It was well after midnight and like at least 90*. There were people selling all kinds of shit. I particularly loved this watermelon they sold. It was wicked cool on your throat and there was sugar in the bag so when you picked out the watermelon chunks with the pointy stick they gave you, it had fucking sugar on it. It was so good. One night we're getting some and this girl totally spoke English so I asked her "What is the word for watermelon?" She said in a heavy Thai accent, "water-melon." I was expecting some exotic word.

Bar Girls have a guy they would call when they weren't working, this was called her "Gik". I had an Australian friend who called me Mike McGik. One night there was a girl coming over, I was not her customer, I wasn't her Gik yet, but it was coming. That day, because my apartment smelled like cigarettes, I bought incense. I was at the store and I chose one that smelled good. When the girl came over and entered my apartment she said, "It smells like a funeral in here". You know incense totally means shit to them.